Arjak wrote:Completed the game! Here is what else I noticed:
Item #6 - When you find the first corpse, there's a line about "Why is it mummified?" The line uses the word 'dead', as if there were multiple bodies. The word 'corpse' would work better in my opinion.
Item #7 - Examining the walls of the inside of the ruins gives you this line of Japanese, and then, strangely, a line in English.
Item #8 - The conversation with Dr. Hauzer before the final confrontation feels very awkwardly worded. It doesn't flow naturally at all and feels very stilted. One thing that strangely stuck out to me was the line, "It's cause you're here..." I feel very strongly that 'cause' should be 'because'. There's something that just feels rather undignified about the final boss when he uses such shorthand. Also, is the protagonist capable of responding with anything other than "It can't be..."? Seriously, he says that exact line two or three times in a single two minute conversation! In my opinion, the whole conversation needs to be gone over, line by line, and polished up, to make it both flow more like a conversation, and to be more dramatic. As is, it feels a bit comical.
Other thoughts:
I tried to examine Dr. Hauzer without the picture selected, but no matter what, you always throw the picture when you get close enough. I tried going down the fireplace ladder without taking the picture, but the game won't let you, giving you a line basically saying that you don't have everything you need to continue.
BTW, I like the little blooper reel that plays at the end!
Also, I would really appreciate it if you could give me your best guess translations of any lines of Japanese still in the script and where they appear in it, so that when I play the next beta, I will have some ideas of where to look for them.
Thanks! Keep up the good work!
Fixed the first two points, cleaned up the dead body line a bit. I'll add the lines you found that are still in Japanese then let you know what's left over. I think it's pretty much just a line related to the air vent.
I think you're being a bit harsh on the final conversation part, but mostly I thought I cleaned it up alright. Do keep in mind the short character limit, I can only fit 28-32 characters per line, so it's hard not to make it stilted. I'll see what I can reword though. I'll change the first "it can't be" but there are only two instances of it. Adam's lines really aren't that interesting in Japanese, mostly just stuttering and "did you..." "it can't be..." "I can't believe it..."
I'll change the cause to because, oversimplification on my part. For the whole speech though, in Japanese he's using short form, so he's not talking formally at all. Short form is for casual conversations or when you're not trying to show respect at all. Pretty much saying his dialogue isn't one of a grand speech or anything as much as he's treating Adam as an intruder and unwelcome. This whole game is pretty comical as well, since it's a campy 90's horror game, so comical seems fitting anyway

.
Here's the conversation as it appears in the script with a bit of cleanup just now if you want to read it over and give suggestions:
WHY... DID YOU COME...?
D-DR. HAUZER!?
T-THAT APPEARANCE...?
DID YOU!?
THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT IT.
...ETERNAL LIFE...
NO WAY... YOU REALLY DID IT...?
THE CHERUB GRANTED IT TO ME.
SO I LEFT THIS MORTAL WORLD.
NOW, I...
I'M IN A PLACE NEAR GOD.
EVERYTHING HERE IS ETERNAL.
YOU'RE JOKING...
I... AM NOT HERE.
I AM INSIDE THE CHERUB.
WHY'D YOU GO THIS FAR...?
2 YEARS AGO, GOD TOOK MY WIFE.
SO I THOUGHT I COULD FIND HER.
I THOUGHT I COULD SEE HER AGAIN.
IF I HAD ETERNAL LIFE,
WE BOTH SHOULD BE IMMORTAL.
THAT'S WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BUT... WHY...!
WHY IS MY WIFE NOT HERE!!
WHERE... WHERE IS SHE!!
PROFESSOR... Y-YOU...
AFTER YOU LOST YOUR WIFE, YOU...
I SEE... YOU...
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE...
YOU SCARED HER AWAY!
YOU! IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T HERE!
The "2 years ago, god took my wife" line bugs me a bit since it's read more like "god called my wife to heaven" but I can't fit that and "2 years ago" in a single line.