Review - Cyberdillo

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FrumpleOrz
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Review - Cyberdillo

Post by FrumpleOrz » Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:56 am

I'm a really big Futurama fan. It's probably one of my favorite television shows that's ever aired. Among the many fantastic quotable lines from the show, the following little conversation has always stuck with me.
Fry: Why is everyone wearing those rings?
Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid.
Fry: I think they're cool.
Amy: Shh! Don't let anyone hear you.
Guy: Hey, did that guy just say that rings are cool?
Amy: No, he said they're stupid.
Guy: Cool!
Cyberdillo is made by that guy.

This is easily one of the most insulting games I've ever had the misfortune to play. It's a game that is ugly on purpose, controls like a drunken 8-year-old, annoying hipster "humor," and a soundtrack that makes you wish for death the whole time.

The intro and menu starts somewhat promising. A poorly done intro video, while very amateurish and crude it's somewhat entertaining, albiet very marginally. They comes the title screen with the theme song, a "parody' of Cotton Eye Joe. The menu screen appears next, with a unusual drawing of a vacuum cleaner (or something like that, not 100% what it was) with a woman's head coming off of it in the desert. That is the background image for the options menu. Strange for sure, but nothing offensive.

The actual menu slider bars have a car and an armadillo as the sliders themselves, with the highest setting having the armadillo being hit by the car. I won't lie, I chuckled a bit the first time I saw it. It was also the last time I ever cracked a smile while having this abomination in my console.

Starting a new game, you get an overly long explanation of what all of the items and statuses on your HUD are. Health is represented by "Funk," which has the titular armadillo in a disco-styled leisure suit. Then they talk about finding "skin flutes," which will cause you to go blind if you play with it, and laxatives, which cause you to die of embarrassment if you don't find a toilet soon enough. Oh joy. Masturbation and scat jokes. Are you laughing yet? Because I wasn't.

Then the level actually starts and the true horror of Cyberdillo is released in its awful glory. Flashing colors, awful "generic" disco-y funk music that doesn't ever change, and a character who slides around like he's in a vacuum. The enemies, which in the first level are floating eyeballs, fire extinguishers, and UFOs that fire frowning faces, are some of the ugliest enemies I've seen in any game. Poorly animated, the dumbest "run-up-and-attack" AI, and all around "this is dumb" feeling to them.

Moving around is a chore. You can look up and down, as long as you are holding down the L shift button and use the D-Pad too. So yeah. Can't movie and look. Of course, that's an issue with other FPS games on the console, such as PO'ed. It was annoying then though and it's even more annoying now. The controls don't work as well as they should. The obstacles are hard to tell apart from the backgrounds initially and there's no rhyme or reason to any of the placements. There are some slopes in the game as well, but when I was resting on said slopes, the screen would start shaking like a madman, almost as if the entire game of Cyberdillo takes place on a fault line in California.

Then we have the wall "textures" themselves. A hodge podge of horrible colors stuck together to form images, repeated over and over in a maze that even a Japanese child would think is too brightly colored. Then, in an even WORSE decision, some of the wall textures are a picture of a drum set with the words "The Dillos" above them. Who thought that was a good idea? Why is being intentionally ugly a good thing to these people? Why is having junior high styled jokes a good thing? The on-going theme of "disco sucks therefore it's cool" is so frustrating as well.

So the game controls poorly, the game looks ugly, and it's not well designed. It tries to be humorous, but of course that doesn't work either. In the end, the whole idea of a bunch of slacker dudes (at least, that's what I'm assuming the team responsible for this mess was comprised of) making a game based around "it sucks so it's cool" shows why it SHOULDN'T be done. I'd be willing to guess that the original intention was not as such but once they realized it was harder to make a game than they though, they decided to try to pass it off as "ironic" and "hip."

It's same thing as those dudes and chicks who try to intentionally make a bad film. It doesn't work. It's not entertaining. It's not clever. It's simply insulting to an audience. "Hey, we didn't even bother to make an effort. Give us your money." It's the worst kind of release in any kind of medium. At least if something is bad without trying to be bad, you can give the designers credit for an attempt. Sometimes, not knowing what you're doing can result in brilliant works. That can't even be said about Cyberdillo. It's a lazy game made by people who think they know how things are but their stuck in their own little echo chamber of "ironic humor." It wasn't funny then and it'll never been funny.

Do not buy this. Do not play it. If you ever meet anyone responsible for creating this mess, call the police and have them tried for crimes against humanity. I can't think of any game, with the possible exception of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, that is worse than Cyberdillo. I hate it so much.

Also, anyone who claims disco sucks has never heard "I Feel Love" by Donna Summers.

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Trev
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Re: Review - Cyberdillo

Post by Trev » Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:16 am

FrumpleOrz wrote:awful "generic" disco-y funk music that doesn't ever change
Couldn't get past the 1st level huh? The music does indeed change, starting with level 2. :wink:
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FrumpleOrz
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Re: Review - Cyberdillo

Post by FrumpleOrz » Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:48 am

Trev wrote:
FrumpleOrz wrote:awful "generic" disco-y funk music that doesn't ever change
Couldn't get past the 1st level huh? The music does indeed change, starting with level 2. :wink:
Yeah, I'll admit. I got to world... 1-3, I think? I got that stupid wig and the pants and then I couldn't take it anymore.

I take it you've made it farther than that then? Does the core of the game still remain the same or does it get better and make it worth an effort?

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Re: Review - Cyberdillo

Post by Trev » Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:19 am

FrumpleOrz wrote:
Trev wrote:
FrumpleOrz wrote:awful "generic" disco-y funk music that doesn't ever change
Couldn't get past the 1st level huh? The music does indeed change, starting with level 2. :wink:
Yeah, I'll admit. I got to world... 1-3, I think? I got that stupid wig and the pants and then I couldn't take it anymore.

I take it you've made it farther than that then? Does the core of the game still remain the same or does it get better and make it worth an effort?
Nah, it's pretty much the same routine. Different audio/visuals, but same drill. I've made it up to 5-4 (I think) where it gets nuts (icy level + multiple death balls = impossible to navigate)

I'm the lone defender of Cyberdillo on this forum (possibly in the world, who knows :P )

Enjoyed your review.
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Post by Austin » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:33 am

When I played this in the '90s, I was severely disappointed by it. Didn't play it for long and got rid of it shortly after.

When I tried it again last year, nothing really stuck out as being a game-breaker to me. It was actually enjoyable. Of course, that's after I paid attention to what everything on-screen does (enemies, objects, hud, etc.), after I took some moments to fiddle with the controls, and after I found a suitable screen size (not too small) that still played at a good framerate.

It's quirky in a WARP kind of way, that's for sure.

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Post by Trev » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:55 am

Austin wrote:When I played this in the '90s, I was severely disappointed by it. Didn't play it for long and got rid of it shortly after.

When I tried it again last year, nothing really stuck out as being a game-breaker to me. It was actually enjoyable.
I'm no longer the only one ... welcome to the "I don't hate Cyberdillo fan club" Austin. Image
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Post by Superjustinbros » Mon Aug 20, 2012 7:49 pm

Sorry for the bump, but I could sure go for an mp3 rip of the game's OST. The rock music used for the second world is killer. :)

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