Vance
3DO ZERO USER
Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Posts: 325
Location: Cal-e-for-nie-ay
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 Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:32 am Post subject: Review - Plumbers Don't Wear Ties (profanity is likely) |
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Hoo doggy.
Do it do it FUCKING DO IT.
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is not really a game. I mean, it is a game in the sense that something happens and you have partial -if fleeting and non-consequential- control.
Okay, start over.
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties could be the Cthulu of 3DO games, if it had tried harder or at all. As it is, it's kind of like Chtulu's nerdy little brother Ed. It is a... I'm having trouble coming up with a car equivalent. I'd say it's a 1961 Amphicar, but at least that thing is useful during floods. I suppose it's a PT Cruiser, since it's a thoroughly shitty and unsafe thing with a fun package.
Well, sorta.
The problem is that any language, even one as complex and hard for Mexicans to learn as English has limitations, and the sheer simple badness that goes into this, the bare-faced banality even, is hard to fit within the confines of most peoples' vocabulary. It is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad awful bad spam sausage eggs and spam bad.
Apparently the Angry Video Game Nerd popularized this baddie, but I can tell you, I owned the box and all. It was the one 3DO game I ever let go, traded and traded well for Captain Quazar.
You know what, screw it. I had pages and pages in my head that I was going to put down here, but you're reading this and that's not punishment enough. You OWE me, and now you're going to get the whole fist w/ brass knuckles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjMAG5IDnek Go on. Play it. There's no difference between playing it via Youtube or on the original disc. PLAY IT, YOU DICKS.
Ah yes, I went into this expecting wonderful FMV badness. The ad blurbs had mentioned a lot of zany stuff, so it was a natural conclusion. I was ready for the ultimate bad entertainment experience. What I got was... ultimate bad.
The FMV isn't entertaining at all thanks to a juvenile string of sex jokes delivered by the worst actress known on Earth, the planet Xoomar, and the entire Alliance of Free Planets to boot, but like watching your mother perform a striptease it just keeps getting worse... it switches to slides. Fucking SLIDES. The company responsible for this farty blood bubble has the word "Entertainment" in its title, which I think makes it a prime candidate for a war crime tribunal.
Jesus, didn't I say I was going to stop writing? You can see what this thing does to a man. That's it, enough. Stop staring. I'm suffering enough as it is.
(Seriously, this game makes me kind of regret saying anything bad about Shenmue... not really, but kind of)
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